Rift Monger

It's been forever, and then some. But what can I say? shit just keeps a happening. I finally relocated to a fabulous lower apartment on 18th, its close to campus and the mecca of college parties, so I feel more comforted by the slew of obnoxiousness that fills the night life. I don't feel depressed anymore. Yay. My chemicals have finally found balance, yang damnit, but I still feel so lonely.
Lonely.


Lonely.


. All Alone .
It fucking sucks. I just need another soul to entwine with. to capture moments with. to share breaths with. Must I suffer the fates of the turning worlds alone? I miss the past. Who doesn't tho, really? Cher puts it best, she always does, and if I could turn back time, man, there would be a whole mess of shit to fix. But that's another story. I'm just gonna keep working at Wetzel's Pretzels, daydreaming of being with my old love, my man, my Travis. But deep down I know we will never love again. Ugh. Fuck that. Fuck. that.
that's what hurts the most. trying to fight the truth. Ignore what's really going on, get high, and pretend of a life past. It's what I do best. I just need a man.

ANYONE.

work is so... messy.
Drama! I really really really despise people talking shit. But as long as people have both anus' and mouths shit is just gonna be a flying outta both ends. I'm just gonna sit back and let this snuff film commence, because no longer will I be the topic of such indiscretions!

I'm currently tired of all things; Working. People. Money. Drugs. Going to the bathroom. Time. Existing. The basics, basically.

I just had this horrifying dream- something happened, like always, but basically the gist was Travis & his loving family burned to death and I had only one last picture of him that was taken right before the fire- It kept flashing it in repetitive, somewhat metaphorical, annoyance. Symbolic, huh? A little too symbolic brain! God.... give my R.E.M. status a break!

Well fugger. I gots to go to work now. Ugh. That's all I do these days. No one ever talks to me. No one ever says they love me. No one really cares about me.
Guess what? I
Don't
Care.

raise me higher, by 25 cents actually-

"Watchin' the Wheels" is the melody for my August. I miss you John. I never knew you, but I miss you.

Going to the Flaming Lips concert in Redmond WA in like 5 days. Waaaaaaaaaaay excited. I haven't done something fun like this in such a long time- I can't even remember when. Currently I'm munching on a blueberry bagel, slathered in butter, my work attire getting rubdown of my greasy fingers. I open in about 10 minutes. Gah. At least I get off early.

Just kinda enjoying this malfeasance of still time. Everything is calm. Growing. I guess I'm excited for my future. I suppose I guess. I guess I suppose?
Work time my bitches. oh yes.

Il dit non avec la tête
Mais il dit oui avec le coeur
Il dit oui à ce qu'il aime
Il dit non au professeur
Il est debout...
On le questionne
Et tous les problèmes sont posés
Soudain le fou rire le prend
Et il efface tout
Les chiffres et les mots
Les dates et les noms
Les phrases et les pièges
Et malgré les menaces du maître
Sous les huées des enfants prodiges
Avec des craies de toutes les couleurs
Sur le tableau noir du malheur
Il dessine le visage du bonheur.

Le Cancre by Jacques Prevert (but with an accent over the first e)

I don't speak or read or write french. but I am a hopeless romantic.
this poem is neither romantic nor uplifting, but it's memory plays a deep role down in my heart.
I enjoy having days offa work. haha. DUH.
I also enjoy pretending to know french. and pretending I'm in love.
what to do, what to do, what to do with my precious time ? ? ?
Is it really that precious tho? I dunno anymore.

le petit amor. or something of the sorts.

About Time

Well. My computer got this nasty virus.
It was HELL.
A week without a computer, boredom insued naturally, but I surely did fix it (thanks Travy)- only problem is, I lost everything.
Wah. Wah. Waaaaaaaaaah.

All my pictures. My memories. My journals. My art. GAHHHH!!!!!!

anywaaaaays. It seems Raymond has indeed learned a fine lesson from this experience. Learn to back your shit up folks!!!

Hahaha. Today is going to be a good day. Travis Walker is coming to visit.
About Time.

I've been cleaning slash preparing for days! My eagerness is so overwhelming, I'm so anxious I may poop! I hope this brief, yet meaningful, meeting goes well. I've been working way too much and I could use not only the relaxation that comes with Travis Walker, but the simplicity of sitting in a moment with a friend- ah. Priceless.

I've been so lonely but liberated at the same time. I'm living the dream. Living the life. Living la vida loca. hahaha, Ricky Martin. . .

Somebody slap me- I can feel happiness a-knocking on my door.

Night Time

I sit around, and look to all my sides. I have nothing but "should have's" and "coulda's" knocking on my door. The disbelief starts at the tip of my head, where my thick ginger roots can feel the tingle of fate blowing air down my spine. It spreads like the plague, exponentially reaching my feet which are curled up inside applesauce style.
What could I have done differently?
What did I do wrong?
Life. Everything about the idea of that word gets me into a stupor of rage and fits- I don't comprehend anything anymore, I'm struggling to define my own rapture, but I just can't believe this is what it has become.
I need stability. A fresh outlook on a nihilistic approach. I wish I had someone to guide me, someone to show me the way. But I've been alone for so long now. I feel so old. Matured. Fermented.
I play the waiting game with such ease these days. I have no anger. Sit sit sit, wait wait wait. Give me a gold medal, because I have truly mastered this shit. I am just waiting for someone to rescue me. Something to alter my state of life as it is, change the foundation that I walk upon- uproot this carnivorous timeline of repetition & repetition. I am a deep sea fish without his freakish glowing ability and for some reason my boyance is off! I am floating to the surface, the light, and I am fucked. Goodbye underwater world, your darkness was comforting and numbing. To the shallow waters I'm destined to be, and perish shall I when the tide sinks low.
I am parched beyond all belief. Thirsty.
So many questions running around in my head- in schizophrenic circles, scattergories of sorts. I love how a plant can give you the willpower to live, but a silly boy is destined to break your heart. Funny how things work.
As the crow flies, as the crow flies
.

I had a really intense dream. But I am sleeping on a throne now, so I quickly turned over and fell right back asleep.
No. That was a lie. I was immediately wide awake. 7 am. oh yeah.
I finally got my food stamps. Praise Ra Oregon has food stamps! I walked to the store whilst crying memories of a bicycle in my freshly sober brain. Pondering how I am going to get to places these days. ?
Tomorrow is payday, but the money is already destined for bills. Ah. The American Dream.

"Sometimes I wonder if you mythologize me like I do you." - Kevin Barnes

I've been healing these days with music. Nothing like the soothing sounds of the nether to ache the loneliness and depression you withhold. They speak stories and experiences you can only begin to comprehend. I like to become all unraveled, naked, exposed- vulnerable. I like to feel.
Animal Collective- Did you see the words?
Of Montreal- The past is a grotesque animal
The Dodos- Winter
Modest Mouse- Everywhere and his Nasty Parlor Tricks (entire ep)

Why I love being me.

Let's See...
What part of the last 24 hours sucked?
I. Pamela gets arrested and is facing felony charges.
II. Pamela takes 12 pills and OD's and has to go to the hospital.
III. My family all accusing me of "verbally assaulting" my mother, "begging for money" and that I need to "take responsibility of my life."
IV. The constant reminder that my boyfriend dumped me.
V. I have no food. No Money. No phone. & No weed to medicate me.
VI. My bike gets stolen.
*Did I mention Pamela was my mother? Nah? Well. She is.

Fuck. You. Everything.

But I think I got promoted at work. ? ? ?

God Damn. I feel so....
embarrassed.

& there is nothing I can really do about that.
&& it's only because I miss Travis so.
&&& I don't know what to do anymore.

I keep making a damn fool of meself. Obsessive, needy, borderline stalking... but its all in the name of love. So that makes it dig ya?
why haven't they invented teleportation?! fuck the scientists of the world!

I miss the days of being happy. I just want to be able to stop crying, and man, that is so weak.
Travis Blair Walker. Won't you care today?

Do I feel bad:
of course
Did I want it to happen like this:
of course not

Life is a great mystery. Whilst we all try to solve the puzzle, our ego's become too thick to think properly. All I need is Travis Walker. All I need is new friends. A new mind. A new body. A new life!

I'm so disgusted with myself and my life- it's becoming a chore just to feel accepted. I feel so alone and deserted. My fault. Everything is my fault.

Did ya hear that ma? Everything! is my fault!

What can I say that I haven't already bitched about?


Nothing has changed.
I wish travis would care about me. I wish the people I love would care about me.


I'm seeing these happy images of him- A life without me, casual, formal, and fun.
He has friends to entertain him, he never has to stray far to seek the comfort of old friendships.

I just want to know what I did wrong. Why? what the fuck, why?!?! I'm so mad at him. So angry! But I can't be angry because I love him and I want to believe this is making him happy. When Do I get to be happy?

I hate this world! I hate growing up with each passing year! Relationships have never been kind with me. I try and I try and I try- I put the S's in their right spaces and X's in the some other columns like I'm suppossed too. What do I get in return? Nada nada limonada.

What have I got to show for it? A broken heart and a scattergory of broken friendships.

I want to be a wizard. To have the magical powers to change my destiny. With influences of the arcane to guide me as I mature throughout this struggle of a life. God, how I envy the Gandolfs and the Merlins- how easy it is for them to seek the answers. I want my make-believes to become realities, but fallacy I must confess, is a daydream I just can't seem to end. I just want to fly away and forget everything forever. I wish I was brave. I wish wishes came true.

Everything will be alright

Fuck my life.

Need I say more?
Of course! Or else you wouldn't believe me. Well, I'm not gonna say more. The tribulations and the trails I'm-a finding myself conquering these days are like minuscule panoramic conquistadors. Pilgrim-ing their way into my lungs, BLACK LUNGS, and creating dichotomies of depression & nihilism.
Just keep inhaling and whisper to yourself, "Your going to be a better person when this all over and done with..."
I wish I had a god to pray to. A grandeur faggot in the starry heavens above with ginger locks and thin pale structures beaming down on me with guidance and praise. I'm gravid with infectious waste. I just want to love. Somebody save me. Somebody neautralize this conscience.

Asi Asi

Yikes. These days are being followed with intense repetition. In every aspect. Boredom is coming these days out of a mental no-stimulation-prospect, instead of the fancier "I have nothing to do". I get high and I have two choices:

A. Watch something on the Internet, I.E. a movie that is deemed "good" enough to be streamed online, Netflix which seems to be aiight but you gotta pay, or visit Hulu- but that only is applicable when the shows are actually new, since they can't stream more than 5 episodes of the shit I wanna watch.

B. Sit and stare at a wall.
I've done both such a number of times it's become a ridiculous science. Sure, I've watched a lot of movies I've enjoyed, but watching 3-4 movies a day just makes me feel so... sludgey, my brain is itching for more stimulus and excitement- nothing that Krull couldn't do, but still.

I miss math. You may scream to yourself, WTF?!?! but I actually do. It made my brain feel good, and I felt like I understand a lot about the world... of mathematics that is. I miss finding what the fuck X = to???? I miss trial and error, the accomplishment of solving something with the quadratic formula... Agh, I miss my mind!
I just don't have anything to do, that I wanna do. I want to paint. but I have no paints, nor the money required to purchase so. I wanna go camping, but alas, the same problem arises. I want to listen to records and hookah. I want to smoke a shit ton of weed with Travis. I want to clean a very disgusting house. I want to go to another country and learn another language. I want to work at Starbucks again (why? I dunno...) I want to see a movie in the theater. I want to go out to eat. I want to hang out with my mom. I want a cat. I really wanna trip lucy sometime. I want to read a damn good book- perhaps revisit some of my favorite Stephen King. I want to kiss someone, anyone really. I want a cell phone, one that actually just works. I want a lot of stuff, that I'm not going to get. But I'll be okay. I just don't want my mind to wonder, my toes to itch, and the sadness inside my heart to thrive. Everything started getting a whole lot more complicated the second I decided to open my eyes. But I'm glad I did.

Yuck. I don't know what to do today. The same shit I do everyday. Going to go sell some shit in hopes of a monetary gain in some factor. God, is this what my life has become? So ridiculous, I ponder about, this life I live. When will the checks cash themselves? When can I feel safe enough to love again? Everything must be a question.

I got a job. That's all I truly needed as of late. I still need a friend. Like, a good one, ya dig? I still need my mind to come back to me. I still need my Travis.

I fear the worst.
I can't stop thinking.
I'm just so alone.

What did I expect out of life anyways?
I want to touch a rainbow. I want to feel happiness.
Fallacy! Fantasy! Fangoria!

Will Travis ever care? Will anyone?

I Dare you to Smoke Weed!

With all my trix and troubles, comes the sadness and the pain. Ooooohhhlalalaa. I just took quite a good hit. God, I'm so fucked up these days because of Travis, and no job, and this poor thing going on- and lord knows I miss my cell phone- but weed is my savior.

jeepers, ya think with all these "god" and "lord" talk I be a preachin!
. . . hardly so. . .

seriously tho. WEED. Love it. It will never reject me like boys will. It will never tell me to pay 350 dollas every month or else I'm homeless. It won't say, "Gee your ugly." or "those are some yellow teeth you have there." because weed can't talk. It just gets you hi.
hahaha.
Weed does not judge you. It accepts all peoples of all colors and races. A bong will never say "Get the fuck out!!!!" but will be shinin' brightly whilst Creed's hit song, 'Arms Wide Open' blasts away in the background, it's magnetic pull bringing you in for that one hit that will turn all the frowns into magical rainbows and laughing clowns. why would people be against such a wonderful thing? I got this theory, that the only people that HATE weed, are people that have never tried it- people always fear the unknown, the strange, the weird. Your not suppossed to be happy from external sources, just suppossed to make your own. Well what about those of us who can't? Those of us who see the world as this pitiful, dreadfully boring cage- full of people who just piss you off. Weed is a medicine. A wonderful gift that helps humanity calm the fuck down. Everyone is high stress these days, and there's no blame of course. Everything digital, everything fast. download some feelings! What? You can't? Well, here, take a puff of this kind sir, let the colors appear before your eyes, and by the way- did you see the words?

I'd rather smoke 10 pounds of pot than take any "anti-depressant" pill. They should be fucking illegal. they make you go crazy, a zombie- nothing of your true essence. Weed enhances your inner soul. Weed is my spirituality, my crutch to get through these dreadful days. I will gladly preach to the heavens above about this miracle plant. It has saved my life many a times as I creep into the lifestyle that will be labeled my "twenties". God. Damn. I'm only 20? Why do I feel so old? Anyways, I'm just really stoned- pondering my existence, my life, my inner-self-being. Normal shit. Glamorous. Jamming to the Dodos. So, very good.
Scatterbrains-
I left my lid open,
the music was too good to ignore.
A sip of red wine,
everything spills on my vintage decor.
whoa
whoa
where did my mind go
whoa
whoa
I think I slipped on a puddle on the floor
the ice, it melted, and I saw all sorts of
different water molecules trying to become
something.
anything.
shape.
But then the water made the plant grow, and with gumbo the plant grew upwards. It's tiny green stems growing huge buds of sunlandic metaphors and the leaves becoming sticky with love, peace, and crystals. Not crystals of Meth, but of the tranquil kind. Because all you need is love. and this plant is love. I then smoke the plant. and I am love. I love you.

I love weed.

Travis see's me with all this stress and all this drama, and he feel's that he is helping me by allowing me to find someone who can actually "take care of me". But I am strong. I will be okay on my own, I've been through a lot worse. In this time of his life he cannot commit to our relationship for whatever reasons- his parent's, his school, his work, his location, etc. He is still my friend, and I am still his friend. I will always be there for him. I love him. He just "fell outta love" with me. end quote. end of story.

wah wah waaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

Blah

So I expected a lot of bad luck. I expected I wouldn't have enough money for June's rent, and that's true I don't- I also figured I couldn't find a job right away, and well I haven't- but of all the terrible, foul, gut wrenching things that could happen to me at this time in my life, did in fact actually happen- my loving boyfriend of 1 year 2 months and 6 days decided to break up with me. I don't really know why. But now I am truly all alone.
My best friend. My pillow. My entertainment. My joy. My comfort. My security. My Love. My Travis. gone....

I haven't seen him since February. I guess I can understand why he wouldn't love me anymore. I just don't know why he would give up so easy when we have been through so much together. Such an easy escape. His parent's must bother him constantly about a girlfriend and such. I know he is afraid of them, knowing about me- but that is such ludicrous. You have to learn to escape the holds of your parents someday, or you'll never truly be happy, be at peace. The pressure from his family must get to him, and not being able to see me everyday- of course he would forget how much I need him. I need him to help me.

Drugs, laziness, bad habits, a "fuck-it" attitude and no money get you into a lot of trouble quite quickly. I don't have a family to turn to. I have nothing. My whole life people have never helped me, I had to help myself, I had to raise myself. This is the one time in my life where I feel so fragile that not even I could pick up pieces if I should break, ya dig? The one time where I need someone who I can trust, who will just be there for me- not worried about the future or that he can't "give me what I want" because you don't know what I want, you never asked- I just want to be content in this time of our lives- content with the fact that we may not last forever but we are savoring the love we have for each other in this moment. Nothing good lasts forever. Why would you end something so precious and beautiful prematurely? I don't feel we ran the course presented unto us, the race we decided to embark upon together. You just got a cramp and dropped the baton on purpose.

I haven't seen him since February. When we last saw eachother and said goodbye it was hard. We both cried because we knew how much we would miss each other. We talked everyday. I couldn't feel anything change. I feel like I didn't change. If anything my love for him grew stronger with each day that I didn't see his face. A personal daily testament to myself that, yes, someday, I would gaze upon the eyes of my love once more and all my pain and anxiety would just melt away, and I would be so happy. That was the driving thought that got me through each day. I woke up, I thought of Travis. I ate food, I thought of Travis. I went to sleep, I thought of Travis. He was the prize at the end of my long, grueling entrapment in Hermiston. He was my only thought in my jail cell that didn't let the rope creep around my neck. He was my only happiness. I moved to be closer, it was hard to be so far apart, but with the move came more anxiety and depression and even more heartache. I had planned a trip to visit him- the first time since February- something WE both needed. But he called the night before and in the meanest way I can think possible, broke up with me. I don't know why. I just speculate reasons. Everyone else out there in world most likely does not give a shit about me and my love woes. Certainly no one in my life gives a shit. But my heart was broken, and my thought process will forever change when it comes to the idea of love. I gave him my trust and hoped he would take care of me like he promised. Not forever, just until I climbed outta this huge hole I dug last year. But now I sit and cry and cry and I don't know how to feel like I did when we were apart. I only know the love of this man. I only want the love if this man. I just want to spend the rest of my life making him happy- because he is the only person on this entire planet that I have met within my 20 years of life that makes me happy to be me. I'm glad to be alive when I'm around him. I'm thankful to even have met him. But why did he have to go and hurt me so?

I just want to see him. I want him to look me in the eyes and tell me that he doesn't love me anymore. I need to believe it. I can't believe it, I don't want to. I know I'm nothing but complications, but isn't that what love is? Why must it all be perfect and written in stone? We have to listen to our hearts, or else it was all for nothing. I just don't want him to be 40 and have him realize that he made the biggest mistake of his life. Because I believe he did.

I have come to the conclusion that I just have really really bad luck. I don't want to blame anyone in particular, so I'll blame the heavans above for cursing me with this life I live. Since he broke up with me I have really nothing to live for, and you may say that is such a ridiculous statement- but love is life, and without love, I don't even want to bare this strung out activity called "life". What shall I do? Move on as instructed? He broke up with me, not the other way around, how am I suppossed to get over something I never wanted to end?

I would feel better if this was something we mutually agreed upon, for the better of borth our lives. But I just don't know why he did it. He knows my depression, he knows my anxiety- AND he knows he is both the REASON and the CURE for both. So how is this helping me by dumping me?

I hope I get to see him again. I want to see him again. I need to see him again. Fuck my life.

Moved to Eugene. My brain did not.

I wanted to get out so badly. You never know what you have until it's gone. For a FUCKING REASON! I just hate the complex way relationships make people so dependent on certain things. For example- night time is so fucking hard for me. I need sounds to distract my mind- a television turned really to nothing, music on quiet in the background, or even just the sounds coming from the other rooms, the other people! If there is silence my mind begins to turn in it's ridiculous manner- Dread and worry, anxiety and pain. All swarming together in a melting pot of foul depressions. This is what I wanted right? To move away to Eugene. yep. thats what I wanted. I don't even fucking know what I want! I get here and it is exactly what I don't want! What the hell? how is that suppossed to work out, destiny? Huh? Cruel fate my ass! Fate is just being scanned these days, everything pre-destined with barcodes to decipher the messages. Not fun. I just don't know how to be normal. That's my problem. I expect more pain, I expect more greif, I expect so much fucking bad luck upon my life that I can't even think ahead a week without getting a panic attack. If you expect bad things to happen to you, then by golly they more than likely will, ya dig? GOD DAMN. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my life. I miss having friends. Where is my mind?

all I really have to say is... SMOKE WEED EVERYDAY.