Blah

So I expected a lot of bad luck. I expected I wouldn't have enough money for June's rent, and that's true I don't- I also figured I couldn't find a job right away, and well I haven't- but of all the terrible, foul, gut wrenching things that could happen to me at this time in my life, did in fact actually happen- my loving boyfriend of 1 year 2 months and 6 days decided to break up with me. I don't really know why. But now I am truly all alone.
My best friend. My pillow. My entertainment. My joy. My comfort. My security. My Love. My Travis. gone....

I haven't seen him since February. I guess I can understand why he wouldn't love me anymore. I just don't know why he would give up so easy when we have been through so much together. Such an easy escape. His parent's must bother him constantly about a girlfriend and such. I know he is afraid of them, knowing about me- but that is such ludicrous. You have to learn to escape the holds of your parents someday, or you'll never truly be happy, be at peace. The pressure from his family must get to him, and not being able to see me everyday- of course he would forget how much I need him. I need him to help me.

Drugs, laziness, bad habits, a "fuck-it" attitude and no money get you into a lot of trouble quite quickly. I don't have a family to turn to. I have nothing. My whole life people have never helped me, I had to help myself, I had to raise myself. This is the one time in my life where I feel so fragile that not even I could pick up pieces if I should break, ya dig? The one time where I need someone who I can trust, who will just be there for me- not worried about the future or that he can't "give me what I want" because you don't know what I want, you never asked- I just want to be content in this time of our lives- content with the fact that we may not last forever but we are savoring the love we have for each other in this moment. Nothing good lasts forever. Why would you end something so precious and beautiful prematurely? I don't feel we ran the course presented unto us, the race we decided to embark upon together. You just got a cramp and dropped the baton on purpose.

I haven't seen him since February. When we last saw eachother and said goodbye it was hard. We both cried because we knew how much we would miss each other. We talked everyday. I couldn't feel anything change. I feel like I didn't change. If anything my love for him grew stronger with each day that I didn't see his face. A personal daily testament to myself that, yes, someday, I would gaze upon the eyes of my love once more and all my pain and anxiety would just melt away, and I would be so happy. That was the driving thought that got me through each day. I woke up, I thought of Travis. I ate food, I thought of Travis. I went to sleep, I thought of Travis. He was the prize at the end of my long, grueling entrapment in Hermiston. He was my only thought in my jail cell that didn't let the rope creep around my neck. He was my only happiness. I moved to be closer, it was hard to be so far apart, but with the move came more anxiety and depression and even more heartache. I had planned a trip to visit him- the first time since February- something WE both needed. But he called the night before and in the meanest way I can think possible, broke up with me. I don't know why. I just speculate reasons. Everyone else out there in world most likely does not give a shit about me and my love woes. Certainly no one in my life gives a shit. But my heart was broken, and my thought process will forever change when it comes to the idea of love. I gave him my trust and hoped he would take care of me like he promised. Not forever, just until I climbed outta this huge hole I dug last year. But now I sit and cry and cry and I don't know how to feel like I did when we were apart. I only know the love of this man. I only want the love if this man. I just want to spend the rest of my life making him happy- because he is the only person on this entire planet that I have met within my 20 years of life that makes me happy to be me. I'm glad to be alive when I'm around him. I'm thankful to even have met him. But why did he have to go and hurt me so?

I just want to see him. I want him to look me in the eyes and tell me that he doesn't love me anymore. I need to believe it. I can't believe it, I don't want to. I know I'm nothing but complications, but isn't that what love is? Why must it all be perfect and written in stone? We have to listen to our hearts, or else it was all for nothing. I just don't want him to be 40 and have him realize that he made the biggest mistake of his life. Because I believe he did.

I have come to the conclusion that I just have really really bad luck. I don't want to blame anyone in particular, so I'll blame the heavans above for cursing me with this life I live. Since he broke up with me I have really nothing to live for, and you may say that is such a ridiculous statement- but love is life, and without love, I don't even want to bare this strung out activity called "life". What shall I do? Move on as instructed? He broke up with me, not the other way around, how am I suppossed to get over something I never wanted to end?

I would feel better if this was something we mutually agreed upon, for the better of borth our lives. But I just don't know why he did it. He knows my depression, he knows my anxiety- AND he knows he is both the REASON and the CURE for both. So how is this helping me by dumping me?

I hope I get to see him again. I want to see him again. I need to see him again. Fuck my life.