Moved to Eugene. My brain did not.

I wanted to get out so badly. You never know what you have until it's gone. For a FUCKING REASON! I just hate the complex way relationships make people so dependent on certain things. For example- night time is so fucking hard for me. I need sounds to distract my mind- a television turned really to nothing, music on quiet in the background, or even just the sounds coming from the other rooms, the other people! If there is silence my mind begins to turn in it's ridiculous manner- Dread and worry, anxiety and pain. All swarming together in a melting pot of foul depressions. This is what I wanted right? To move away to Eugene. yep. thats what I wanted. I don't even fucking know what I want! I get here and it is exactly what I don't want! What the hell? how is that suppossed to work out, destiny? Huh? Cruel fate my ass! Fate is just being scanned these days, everything pre-destined with barcodes to decipher the messages. Not fun. I just don't know how to be normal. That's my problem. I expect more pain, I expect more greif, I expect so much fucking bad luck upon my life that I can't even think ahead a week without getting a panic attack. If you expect bad things to happen to you, then by golly they more than likely will, ya dig? GOD DAMN. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my life. I miss having friends. Where is my mind?

all I really have to say is... SMOKE WEED EVERYDAY.