Repetition

What a weird bit of day. I've have been completely useless. Working. Still mass quantities of drugs tho. I've fought "party"ing for so long, I dunno, I'm just like, what the fuck these days. Nothing hardcore. Weed. Hella different pills, but nothing really extreme. My brother invited me over to his house tonight to try meth for the first time. And I was like actually contemplating it. God, talk about scary. Firstly- Raymond does not dwell on the idea of meth or meth heads- bad bad bad shit. Secondly- wtf?? When did I become this crazy drug fiend searching for that high that will just make blank the fuck out? I'm trying to score some blow real bad. I just want that high. Artificial yes, but my god, years of loneliness, a life I cannot comprehend, not being raised at all- it just adds up. . Eh. I'm so strong, but so very weak. so very weak.

I just want to have money- I'm been working for like a month now, but since I get paid monthly I won't see it till july. the 8th. some people have lives, some people need food, some people can't just have one fucking monthly paycheck. Sigh. I just breath in. And Breath out. Think ahead of plans I have. Hope. You have to hope if you wanna make it in this world, no matter how alone I feel, I always have that, "what if. . " and that keeps the razors off my arms. but don't call me crazy, I know I'm that, but I got life left in these bones and I got dreams damnit. John Lennon love dreams.

Scraping resin makes me so dirty. Smoking it makes me so high. A ten sack of weed will last a night at best. I gots no money yo. Working and working, but no money. My cell is off due to insufficient funds so its like my social life has gone on hold. Hmph. Like I've said before- I guess I'll play the waiting game. Wait wait wait.
Fuck damnit I wanted happiness. Change drenched with gumdrops.
What else can't I complain about? What other mindless thoughts should I share? My mind is ever turning, always churning. I'm a nihilistic with a good imagination. A fanatical imagination that makes me think that someday I'll have a good life. God. Don't you love thoughts? and thinking about things that will never happen? Just for that split second you see yourself there, and you forget and your happy and thats why you were born, but you blink and snap pop your back to reality.

I just feel like sleeping and just never wake up and dream forever. At least in dream you can't feel pain. Or happiness, that bleak emotion that makes everyone want to get up in the morning.


Will today be a good day??
If you look within, it will always be wonderful.
Something to think about, and something to make you glad your alive. I'm gonna go numb myself. I take so much for granted. And so do you.

Rhodopaxilius Nudus

Wow.

My life is a washing machine. Full of Tide.

Everything is upside down. I got this amazing job at the new Fuddrucker's that they are building here in Hermiston. I applied, tired of the days of making cone after cone at the local DQ. I had a wonderful interview and believe it or not, hired on the spot. Gay touch baby. Anyways that lifted my spirits in this daze of a life I live now.

My mother is so damaged. Pills. Ignorance. Denial. I worry so much. I love her so much.
I have tried everything short of abandoning her to face her demons- but damnit do I fear the worst. All the time. Yelling all the time. Mood swings that are too abundant. I mean, can't you be happy for one second? just pretend? That's what I do. I offer help. I try to get people to help. No one cares. She won't let her abusive husband go, she is living in this high mind that is all just a flight of the imagination. It's all make believe bitches. God, she Criticizes me for smoking weed. M-O-O-N that spells hypocrite! Pot over Pills any day. De Acuerdo? She has had a terrible life. I can't blame everything on her, she does try. . . not hard enough tho. She is not mature. She is not mentally an Adult. I teach her. I am the Confucius. It's her own game board, a puppet master, she can fool everyone else, but I don't buy that shit for one second. Living like she's got nothing to loose. She has so much potential, and I, her son, get to watch her slowly kill herself day by day. I wish I came first to her. I wish I came before the pills. But god damn I love her, and I'll never leave her.

I just can't.

I got this fanatical phone call one smoky day whilst I was puffing away- it was my new boss naturally. I can compose myself whilst being super stoned, so no worries. She had proclaimed that the ass. manager is no longer a part of the company, she asked if I would like to be Shift Manager, go to Arizona for 2 weeks and train. & I quote,
"HELL YES"
I mean, duh. More money. Money. That's all I need to escape this wretched town. So Raymond traveled on airplanes, which was a first. It was such a crazy experience for me. A true SOBER moment in my life, the first in three years. It was hard. I struggled. I wanted to come home the first day. I felt pathetic. I mean it's all because I want to get high. C'mon. It's not like I'm doing black tar heroin, but still.

Fuddrucker's was amazing. I had the best time. The people. The food. The learning! Oh Allah, how I love learning. You should have seen my face when they told me that I was supposed to stay for 6 weeks instead of 2. A huge surprise on my part. I'm all for working, and I was getting paid, but fuck that shit. Arizona was hot. Hot like used anus. And I'm from Oregon, and I've never there been before. My mouth was so parched, never been so thirsty in my entire life. All in All, I give Arizona a B-. The job was insightful, the people were the epitome of the Partridge Family, and the airplane rides were the highlights (grand canyon yo!). I stayed 2 very very elongated weeks. I can't wait for our store to open. It will be hell. But I will bloom.

My chemicals these days- I dunno. I take paroxotine for depression- it's working, I suppose. I'm still miserable, but then again this is Hermiston. There are no men for me. There is no culture. There is no art. I hate that. I hate it here. Everyone is white trash, and busy with farming. I don't fit in with my tight shirts and slender pants. I want to escape so badly. Run run far away- Eugene! San Fransisco! Dubai! anywhere. . . but I'm trapped. Trapped by money and my intense life of poverty. I'm lazy. I'm addicted to marijuana. I'm an amazing person. I'm so lonely. I've never felt so unloved in my entire crestfallen life. *Shrug*

Aren't we all just trying to be happy?

The last 3 years of my life have flown by. I don't remember most of it. I've had such a magical journey tho. I wouldn't change a thing, or change who I am. I would just change my situation.

At least I'll always have my best friend. Bryen Leslie Harrris. The only one who has ever truly been there for me. We celebrate our 9 year friendship-iversary this year. Amazing. Without him. I'm completely alone.

I'm going to post more. I want people to hear my life. It's too ridiculous to even imagine. But isn't that the case for everyone?

So I haven't wrote anything in awhile.

I'm living here in Hermiston. Again. Working at DQ. Again.
buuuuut. I got hired at Fuddrucker's so I should be having an amazing job, come June of course.

Chemically. I feel very balanced. Very numb, very less motivated, but must I say- a better person. I'm 21 now. I just fucking hate alchohol. I didn't do anything for the grand day- and I have yet to succumb to the drunken dance of the devil. Humph. I'm just stuck. Stuck in time, in place. Working. All the time. No money to show for it. All I do is spend my money on weed. But I'm glad. Fuck it. Fuck being sad. and stressed. I'm so tired of living, it's ridiculous. But onward I must trek- smoking gravities as I go, because that my friends, is the only way.

I'm watching Roseanne. My god. That show was my life. IS my childhood in episodic form. I love it. Season 9 does not exist, but by golly, my favorite for always.

I'll try to post more. but it doesn't really matter. It just makes me feel better.

Rift Monger

It's been forever, and then some. But what can I say? shit just keeps a happening. I finally relocated to a fabulous lower apartment on 18th, its close to campus and the mecca of college parties, so I feel more comforted by the slew of obnoxiousness that fills the night life. I don't feel depressed anymore. Yay. My chemicals have finally found balance, yang damnit, but I still feel so lonely.
Lonely.


Lonely.


. All Alone .
It fucking sucks. I just need another soul to entwine with. to capture moments with. to share breaths with. Must I suffer the fates of the turning worlds alone? I miss the past. Who doesn't tho, really? Cher puts it best, she always does, and if I could turn back time, man, there would be a whole mess of shit to fix. But that's another story. I'm just gonna keep working at Wetzel's Pretzels, daydreaming of being with my old love, my man, my Travis. But deep down I know we will never love again. Ugh. Fuck that. Fuck. that.
that's what hurts the most. trying to fight the truth. Ignore what's really going on, get high, and pretend of a life past. It's what I do best. I just need a man.

ANYONE.

work is so... messy.
Drama! I really really really despise people talking shit. But as long as people have both anus' and mouths shit is just gonna be a flying outta both ends. I'm just gonna sit back and let this snuff film commence, because no longer will I be the topic of such indiscretions!

I'm currently tired of all things; Working. People. Money. Drugs. Going to the bathroom. Time. Existing. The basics, basically.

I just had this horrifying dream- something happened, like always, but basically the gist was Travis & his loving family burned to death and I had only one last picture of him that was taken right before the fire- It kept flashing it in repetitive, somewhat metaphorical, annoyance. Symbolic, huh? A little too symbolic brain! God.... give my R.E.M. status a break!

Well fugger. I gots to go to work now. Ugh. That's all I do these days. No one ever talks to me. No one ever says they love me. No one really cares about me.
Guess what? I
Don't
Care.

raise me higher, by 25 cents actually-

"Watchin' the Wheels" is the melody for my August. I miss you John. I never knew you, but I miss you.

Going to the Flaming Lips concert in Redmond WA in like 5 days. Waaaaaaaaaaay excited. I haven't done something fun like this in such a long time- I can't even remember when. Currently I'm munching on a blueberry bagel, slathered in butter, my work attire getting rubdown of my greasy fingers. I open in about 10 minutes. Gah. At least I get off early.

Just kinda enjoying this malfeasance of still time. Everything is calm. Growing. I guess I'm excited for my future. I suppose I guess. I guess I suppose?
Work time my bitches. oh yes.

Il dit non avec la tête
Mais il dit oui avec le coeur
Il dit oui à ce qu'il aime
Il dit non au professeur
Il est debout...
On le questionne
Et tous les problèmes sont posés
Soudain le fou rire le prend
Et il efface tout
Les chiffres et les mots
Les dates et les noms
Les phrases et les pièges
Et malgré les menaces du maître
Sous les huées des enfants prodiges
Avec des craies de toutes les couleurs
Sur le tableau noir du malheur
Il dessine le visage du bonheur.

Le Cancre by Jacques Prevert (but with an accent over the first e)

I don't speak or read or write french. but I am a hopeless romantic.
this poem is neither romantic nor uplifting, but it's memory plays a deep role down in my heart.
I enjoy having days offa work. haha. DUH.
I also enjoy pretending to know french. and pretending I'm in love.
what to do, what to do, what to do with my precious time ? ? ?
Is it really that precious tho? I dunno anymore.

le petit amor. or something of the sorts.

About Time

Well. My computer got this nasty virus.
It was HELL.
A week without a computer, boredom insued naturally, but I surely did fix it (thanks Travy)- only problem is, I lost everything.
Wah. Wah. Waaaaaaaaaah.

All my pictures. My memories. My journals. My art. GAHHHH!!!!!!

anywaaaaays. It seems Raymond has indeed learned a fine lesson from this experience. Learn to back your shit up folks!!!

Hahaha. Today is going to be a good day. Travis Walker is coming to visit.
About Time.

I've been cleaning slash preparing for days! My eagerness is so overwhelming, I'm so anxious I may poop! I hope this brief, yet meaningful, meeting goes well. I've been working way too much and I could use not only the relaxation that comes with Travis Walker, but the simplicity of sitting in a moment with a friend- ah. Priceless.

I've been so lonely but liberated at the same time. I'm living the dream. Living the life. Living la vida loca. hahaha, Ricky Martin. . .

Somebody slap me- I can feel happiness a-knocking on my door.

Night Time

I sit around, and look to all my sides. I have nothing but "should have's" and "coulda's" knocking on my door. The disbelief starts at the tip of my head, where my thick ginger roots can feel the tingle of fate blowing air down my spine. It spreads like the plague, exponentially reaching my feet which are curled up inside applesauce style.
What could I have done differently?
What did I do wrong?
Life. Everything about the idea of that word gets me into a stupor of rage and fits- I don't comprehend anything anymore, I'm struggling to define my own rapture, but I just can't believe this is what it has become.
I need stability. A fresh outlook on a nihilistic approach. I wish I had someone to guide me, someone to show me the way. But I've been alone for so long now. I feel so old. Matured. Fermented.
I play the waiting game with such ease these days. I have no anger. Sit sit sit, wait wait wait. Give me a gold medal, because I have truly mastered this shit. I am just waiting for someone to rescue me. Something to alter my state of life as it is, change the foundation that I walk upon- uproot this carnivorous timeline of repetition & repetition. I am a deep sea fish without his freakish glowing ability and for some reason my boyance is off! I am floating to the surface, the light, and I am fucked. Goodbye underwater world, your darkness was comforting and numbing. To the shallow waters I'm destined to be, and perish shall I when the tide sinks low.
I am parched beyond all belief. Thirsty.
So many questions running around in my head- in schizophrenic circles, scattergories of sorts. I love how a plant can give you the willpower to live, but a silly boy is destined to break your heart. Funny how things work.
As the crow flies, as the crow flies
.

I had a really intense dream. But I am sleeping on a throne now, so I quickly turned over and fell right back asleep.
No. That was a lie. I was immediately wide awake. 7 am. oh yeah.
I finally got my food stamps. Praise Ra Oregon has food stamps! I walked to the store whilst crying memories of a bicycle in my freshly sober brain. Pondering how I am going to get to places these days. ?
Tomorrow is payday, but the money is already destined for bills. Ah. The American Dream.

"Sometimes I wonder if you mythologize me like I do you." - Kevin Barnes

I've been healing these days with music. Nothing like the soothing sounds of the nether to ache the loneliness and depression you withhold. They speak stories and experiences you can only begin to comprehend. I like to become all unraveled, naked, exposed- vulnerable. I like to feel.
Animal Collective- Did you see the words?
Of Montreal- The past is a grotesque animal
The Dodos- Winter
Modest Mouse- Everywhere and his Nasty Parlor Tricks (entire ep)