It's been many a moon, gang

As I sit and look around I can say for the first time in my life that I am fucking happy. Not just happy high, but the eternal satisfaction that comes when your dopamine levels are finally functioning correctly. I hit a very low-low, gang. Spent the last four years in my hometown of Hermiston, OR- something I had never planned on doing. I was trapped by circumstance, my addiction, and just the comfort of routine. Slamming pills like no one's business and just a frivolous spending lifestyle led me to a life of psychotic behavior spiraling out of control. Working at a Dairy Queen like a slave, stealing money to feed my drug habits, not really caring enough to work hard towards any goal, giving up on life and living in general; simple everyday occurrences that became a common thought in my diseased head.
Who knows what the catalyst was. It could have been the inner depression, so bad that I literally have scars on my body from where I tried "to make things better". As I look back I just realize I was so fucking high outta my mind, I was insane. Another reason could be the fact that I hadn't been with a man in four years.No kisses, no contact, no sex- would you be happy? Or it also could have been everyone's happiness shining so bright around me I just couldn't handle that shit anymore, I would get angry just looking at their faces. Who knows what made me leave. I made an inner decision one day to stop taking pills and move away, find a better life- to be happy for once. I made the plans, I was still doing drugs. I put in my two weeks notice at work, I was still doing drugs. I was still doing drugs up until the day I left.
I've been in Portland for 12 days now. I've been pill free for 12 days now. I can't describe the thoughts. I just simply cannot. To go from a piece of glass so scratched up and nicked you can't even see through, to fucking a wide open window with the sun shining so bright? Intense. Amazing. All things beautiful. I'm just so happy I was able to find the strength, the mental capacity to want to change. It took me moving to a new city, seperating myself from my mother who is the single most destructive entity in my life, and just allowing myself to feel for the first time in four years- incomprehensible. I've already got a job. I've already found this wonderful man. I've already lived more in the past 12 days then I did in the past 4 years. I'm sad for the time I have lost. I'm full of regrets and shoulda's. I'm just glad I got out alive.
I just wanna thank all my friends, the one's that are truly always there for me. I always feel so alone, my family such a destructive force upon my happiness, but that's not the case, I'm not alone- I have the biggest most wonderful family in the world. I'm so excited for this new chapter in my life and the endless possibilities it can behold. If you will it, it can happen. YOU are in charge of your own destiny, as am I, my own. You are not alone. You are beautiful and weird. You. are. loved.

"It's hard to remember we're alive for the first time. It's hard to remember we're alive for the last time."