Repetition

What a weird bit of day. I've have been completely useless. Working. Still mass quantities of drugs tho. I've fought "party"ing for so long, I dunno, I'm just like, what the fuck these days. Nothing hardcore. Weed. Hella different pills, but nothing really extreme. My brother invited me over to his house tonight to try meth for the first time. And I was like actually contemplating it. God, talk about scary. Firstly- Raymond does not dwell on the idea of meth or meth heads- bad bad bad shit. Secondly- wtf?? When did I become this crazy drug fiend searching for that high that will just make blank the fuck out? I'm trying to score some blow real bad. I just want that high. Artificial yes, but my god, years of loneliness, a life I cannot comprehend, not being raised at all- it just adds up. . Eh. I'm so strong, but so very weak. so very weak.

I just want to have money- I'm been working for like a month now, but since I get paid monthly I won't see it till july. the 8th. some people have lives, some people need food, some people can't just have one fucking monthly paycheck. Sigh. I just breath in. And Breath out. Think ahead of plans I have. Hope. You have to hope if you wanna make it in this world, no matter how alone I feel, I always have that, "what if. . " and that keeps the razors off my arms. but don't call me crazy, I know I'm that, but I got life left in these bones and I got dreams damnit. John Lennon love dreams.

Scraping resin makes me so dirty. Smoking it makes me so high. A ten sack of weed will last a night at best. I gots no money yo. Working and working, but no money. My cell is off due to insufficient funds so its like my social life has gone on hold. Hmph. Like I've said before- I guess I'll play the waiting game. Wait wait wait.
Fuck damnit I wanted happiness. Change drenched with gumdrops.
What else can't I complain about? What other mindless thoughts should I share? My mind is ever turning, always churning. I'm a nihilistic with a good imagination. A fanatical imagination that makes me think that someday I'll have a good life. God. Don't you love thoughts? and thinking about things that will never happen? Just for that split second you see yourself there, and you forget and your happy and thats why you were born, but you blink and snap pop your back to reality.

I just feel like sleeping and just never wake up and dream forever. At least in dream you can't feel pain. Or happiness, that bleak emotion that makes everyone want to get up in the morning.


Will today be a good day??
If you look within, it will always be wonderful.
Something to think about, and something to make you glad your alive. I'm gonna go numb myself. I take so much for granted. And so do you.