Rhodopaxilius Nudus

Wow.

My life is a washing machine. Full of Tide.

Everything is upside down. I got this amazing job at the new Fuddrucker's that they are building here in Hermiston. I applied, tired of the days of making cone after cone at the local DQ. I had a wonderful interview and believe it or not, hired on the spot. Gay touch baby. Anyways that lifted my spirits in this daze of a life I live now.

My mother is so damaged. Pills. Ignorance. Denial. I worry so much. I love her so much.
I have tried everything short of abandoning her to face her demons- but damnit do I fear the worst. All the time. Yelling all the time. Mood swings that are too abundant. I mean, can't you be happy for one second? just pretend? That's what I do. I offer help. I try to get people to help. No one cares. She won't let her abusive husband go, she is living in this high mind that is all just a flight of the imagination. It's all make believe bitches. God, she Criticizes me for smoking weed. M-O-O-N that spells hypocrite! Pot over Pills any day. De Acuerdo? She has had a terrible life. I can't blame everything on her, she does try. . . not hard enough tho. She is not mature. She is not mentally an Adult. I teach her. I am the Confucius. It's her own game board, a puppet master, she can fool everyone else, but I don't buy that shit for one second. Living like she's got nothing to loose. She has so much potential, and I, her son, get to watch her slowly kill herself day by day. I wish I came first to her. I wish I came before the pills. But god damn I love her, and I'll never leave her.

I just can't.

I got this fanatical phone call one smoky day whilst I was puffing away- it was my new boss naturally. I can compose myself whilst being super stoned, so no worries. She had proclaimed that the ass. manager is no longer a part of the company, she asked if I would like to be Shift Manager, go to Arizona for 2 weeks and train. & I quote,
"HELL YES"
I mean, duh. More money. Money. That's all I need to escape this wretched town. So Raymond traveled on airplanes, which was a first. It was such a crazy experience for me. A true SOBER moment in my life, the first in three years. It was hard. I struggled. I wanted to come home the first day. I felt pathetic. I mean it's all because I want to get high. C'mon. It's not like I'm doing black tar heroin, but still.

Fuddrucker's was amazing. I had the best time. The people. The food. The learning! Oh Allah, how I love learning. You should have seen my face when they told me that I was supposed to stay for 6 weeks instead of 2. A huge surprise on my part. I'm all for working, and I was getting paid, but fuck that shit. Arizona was hot. Hot like used anus. And I'm from Oregon, and I've never there been before. My mouth was so parched, never been so thirsty in my entire life. All in All, I give Arizona a B-. The job was insightful, the people were the epitome of the Partridge Family, and the airplane rides were the highlights (grand canyon yo!). I stayed 2 very very elongated weeks. I can't wait for our store to open. It will be hell. But I will bloom.

My chemicals these days- I dunno. I take paroxotine for depression- it's working, I suppose. I'm still miserable, but then again this is Hermiston. There are no men for me. There is no culture. There is no art. I hate that. I hate it here. Everyone is white trash, and busy with farming. I don't fit in with my tight shirts and slender pants. I want to escape so badly. Run run far away- Eugene! San Fransisco! Dubai! anywhere. . . but I'm trapped. Trapped by money and my intense life of poverty. I'm lazy. I'm addicted to marijuana. I'm an amazing person. I'm so lonely. I've never felt so unloved in my entire crestfallen life. *Shrug*

Aren't we all just trying to be happy?

The last 3 years of my life have flown by. I don't remember most of it. I've had such a magical journey tho. I wouldn't change a thing, or change who I am. I would just change my situation.

At least I'll always have my best friend. Bryen Leslie Harrris. The only one who has ever truly been there for me. We celebrate our 9 year friendship-iversary this year. Amazing. Without him. I'm completely alone.

I'm going to post more. I want people to hear my life. It's too ridiculous to even imagine. But isn't that the case for everyone?