Silent Rage

Silent Rage would be the title of the movie for my best friend Bryen Leslie Harris.
and what would mine be? you may ask.
...hrrrmmmmm.
we have
A. Reflections: A Dive Into Ginger Homosexuality
or
B. Annie II - Annie Harder



I just simply can't wait to put my whole life tale on papel. It will be of most great satisfaction.

SO. I've been so poor. but I've always been poor, but this time, I'm the actual one who has no money. I've been working since I was sixteen. Fun jobs, money to spend- but I ended up quitting the local Dairy Queen to early. I just couldn't handle dealing with that fast food joint after having 2 weeks of intense management training. I felt too superior, and I know I shouldn't, but I was like- How can you take this place seriously, it's a fucking DQ? For some people this is their only means of income in any way, so praise Ra for it, but it is not in any way shape or form fit for Raymond. So I just called in about an hour early before my shift and quit. Now, I don't have any paychecks to look forward too, or work to occupy the dead time that is my day. Hmph.

Buuuuut I am working at Fuddrucker's. Like, actually working. I was helping with construction which was way out of my norm, but I put forth my best effort- fuck physical labor tho- and ever since then I have been training the cashiers on the P. O. S. It feels nice to train people and to be a shift leader, because I know I can do it. I need the hours, I need the monthly paycheck- I need the power. Haha. Riiiiiiiiiight.

I have such goals. & I got my dear friend Bryen a job! In case you don't know Bryen is a complete lazy bum who hasn't ever never had a job in his whole (almost) 21 years of life- but with my sauvy skills and my gay touch I got him hired at Fuddies. Yay! I get to work with my best friend. So does that mean something bad gets to happen??? Karma, you whore, decide quickly because I have goals, o boy does this boy have dreams.

I wanna move to San Fransisco (duh fag). I wanna write novels. I wanna write my stand-up. I wanna make people laugh. I wanna be financially ok. I wanna have a man. I wanna cigarette. I want. I want. I want. I need, I need, I need. . . Holy Jesus so many things! I am in no way content with my life, the horrid tale that is my daily existence. I want a complete 180 degree turnaround, keep all the good parts, shave off all those devil hairs, and be complacent.

I called dear my friend Sarah today. No answer. I called my dear friend Amanda today- I had the best conversation, not only was I high as fuck, but I hadn't had this deep of a connection with someone in a long time. Jeepers Creepers do I miss her. The talk was therapeutic. I enjoyed it immensely.

I can ramble on some more, but that weed o'er there looks mighty tastey- and btw, I wanna cigarette.

MUSIC FOR YOUR LIFE TODAY
1. Hey- Pixies
2. The Man Who Sold the World- Bowie
3. Martha My Dear- The Beatles
4. Time to Pretend- MGMT
5. Purple Bottle- Animal Collective
6. Guess Whose Back?- Eminem
7. Karma's Payment- Modest Mouse
listen and enjoy

Repetition

What a weird bit of day. I've have been completely useless. Working. Still mass quantities of drugs tho. I've fought "party"ing for so long, I dunno, I'm just like, what the fuck these days. Nothing hardcore. Weed. Hella different pills, but nothing really extreme. My brother invited me over to his house tonight to try meth for the first time. And I was like actually contemplating it. God, talk about scary. Firstly- Raymond does not dwell on the idea of meth or meth heads- bad bad bad shit. Secondly- wtf?? When did I become this crazy drug fiend searching for that high that will just make blank the fuck out? I'm trying to score some blow real bad. I just want that high. Artificial yes, but my god, years of loneliness, a life I cannot comprehend, not being raised at all- it just adds up. . Eh. I'm so strong, but so very weak. so very weak.

I just want to have money- I'm been working for like a month now, but since I get paid monthly I won't see it till july. the 8th. some people have lives, some people need food, some people can't just have one fucking monthly paycheck. Sigh. I just breath in. And Breath out. Think ahead of plans I have. Hope. You have to hope if you wanna make it in this world, no matter how alone I feel, I always have that, "what if. . " and that keeps the razors off my arms. but don't call me crazy, I know I'm that, but I got life left in these bones and I got dreams damnit. John Lennon love dreams.

Scraping resin makes me so dirty. Smoking it makes me so high. A ten sack of weed will last a night at best. I gots no money yo. Working and working, but no money. My cell is off due to insufficient funds so its like my social life has gone on hold. Hmph. Like I've said before- I guess I'll play the waiting game. Wait wait wait.
Fuck damnit I wanted happiness. Change drenched with gumdrops.
What else can't I complain about? What other mindless thoughts should I share? My mind is ever turning, always churning. I'm a nihilistic with a good imagination. A fanatical imagination that makes me think that someday I'll have a good life. God. Don't you love thoughts? and thinking about things that will never happen? Just for that split second you see yourself there, and you forget and your happy and thats why you were born, but you blink and snap pop your back to reality.

I just feel like sleeping and just never wake up and dream forever. At least in dream you can't feel pain. Or happiness, that bleak emotion that makes everyone want to get up in the morning.


Will today be a good day??
If you look within, it will always be wonderful.
Something to think about, and something to make you glad your alive. I'm gonna go numb myself. I take so much for granted. And so do you.

Rhodopaxilius Nudus

Wow.

My life is a washing machine. Full of Tide.

Everything is upside down. I got this amazing job at the new Fuddrucker's that they are building here in Hermiston. I applied, tired of the days of making cone after cone at the local DQ. I had a wonderful interview and believe it or not, hired on the spot. Gay touch baby. Anyways that lifted my spirits in this daze of a life I live now.

My mother is so damaged. Pills. Ignorance. Denial. I worry so much. I love her so much.
I have tried everything short of abandoning her to face her demons- but damnit do I fear the worst. All the time. Yelling all the time. Mood swings that are too abundant. I mean, can't you be happy for one second? just pretend? That's what I do. I offer help. I try to get people to help. No one cares. She won't let her abusive husband go, she is living in this high mind that is all just a flight of the imagination. It's all make believe bitches. God, she Criticizes me for smoking weed. M-O-O-N that spells hypocrite! Pot over Pills any day. De Acuerdo? She has had a terrible life. I can't blame everything on her, she does try. . . not hard enough tho. She is not mature. She is not mentally an Adult. I teach her. I am the Confucius. It's her own game board, a puppet master, she can fool everyone else, but I don't buy that shit for one second. Living like she's got nothing to loose. She has so much potential, and I, her son, get to watch her slowly kill herself day by day. I wish I came first to her. I wish I came before the pills. But god damn I love her, and I'll never leave her.

I just can't.

I got this fanatical phone call one smoky day whilst I was puffing away- it was my new boss naturally. I can compose myself whilst being super stoned, so no worries. She had proclaimed that the ass. manager is no longer a part of the company, she asked if I would like to be Shift Manager, go to Arizona for 2 weeks and train. & I quote,
"HELL YES"
I mean, duh. More money. Money. That's all I need to escape this wretched town. So Raymond traveled on airplanes, which was a first. It was such a crazy experience for me. A true SOBER moment in my life, the first in three years. It was hard. I struggled. I wanted to come home the first day. I felt pathetic. I mean it's all because I want to get high. C'mon. It's not like I'm doing black tar heroin, but still.

Fuddrucker's was amazing. I had the best time. The people. The food. The learning! Oh Allah, how I love learning. You should have seen my face when they told me that I was supposed to stay for 6 weeks instead of 2. A huge surprise on my part. I'm all for working, and I was getting paid, but fuck that shit. Arizona was hot. Hot like used anus. And I'm from Oregon, and I've never there been before. My mouth was so parched, never been so thirsty in my entire life. All in All, I give Arizona a B-. The job was insightful, the people were the epitome of the Partridge Family, and the airplane rides were the highlights (grand canyon yo!). I stayed 2 very very elongated weeks. I can't wait for our store to open. It will be hell. But I will bloom.

My chemicals these days- I dunno. I take paroxotine for depression- it's working, I suppose. I'm still miserable, but then again this is Hermiston. There are no men for me. There is no culture. There is no art. I hate that. I hate it here. Everyone is white trash, and busy with farming. I don't fit in with my tight shirts and slender pants. I want to escape so badly. Run run far away- Eugene! San Fransisco! Dubai! anywhere. . . but I'm trapped. Trapped by money and my intense life of poverty. I'm lazy. I'm addicted to marijuana. I'm an amazing person. I'm so lonely. I've never felt so unloved in my entire crestfallen life. *Shrug*

Aren't we all just trying to be happy?

The last 3 years of my life have flown by. I don't remember most of it. I've had such a magical journey tho. I wouldn't change a thing, or change who I am. I would just change my situation.

At least I'll always have my best friend. Bryen Leslie Harrris. The only one who has ever truly been there for me. We celebrate our 9 year friendship-iversary this year. Amazing. Without him. I'm completely alone.

I'm going to post more. I want people to hear my life. It's too ridiculous to even imagine. But isn't that the case for everyone?