Simplification

Don't you always ponder the past and just wonder, "why did I ever do that?"

I try to hold the philosophy that I will never regret anything I ever do, enjoy my human experience for all it's worth. Yet, lately, the "shoulda's" and the "coulda's" have just been on the tip of mind. Damn. I should have stayed in school. Fuck. I shouldn't smoke pot. Holly Hell. Why do I let people use me?

I really don't know who I am anymore. Am I the same freckly, ginger haired boy that graduated valedictorian and was in all the school plays? Always animated with a smile on my face, and an eager joke ready to be lifted offa my tongue? Eh. I went off to college and met some of my bestest friends yet- people that completed the parts of soul that were missing- but they all gave up on me and are traveling down their own paths. I'm left alone, again, to experience life and do things according to what I think is right. and Lord knows I wasn't raised correctly. So we all know how that can turn out.

I always think of the past- the goods times, the bad, the in-between. "I should have done that!" or "Why didn't I just do . . ." always pop into my head months after the conflict has already met the resolution. I guess that's the great thing about being human, and thinking. Re-examining the bad parts to make you a better person, remembering the good times for a quick happy pick-me-up, or just forgetting all the boring in-between memories because they just aren't quite worth it.

I just don't know what to do these days. I'm stuck in time. Awaiting change, awaiting some fantastical miracle to come save me. I am the bearer of my own destiny, and I know I have already acted accordingly, but, fuck me Freddie, am I tired of trying. Trying and ultimately failing. Ask anyone who know's me the dearest, and they will provide just as much proof to this statement:
My life is unreal. I have the worst luck ever.

I'm always grateful for each breathe I take, I never know if it will be my last. I realize how delicate the human experience is, and I want to get to it all. I never take anything for granted. I'm such a nihilist. But to quote Kevin Barnes I'm a "Nihilist with a good imagination". I can imagine a happy perfect life. I just can't imagine me getting there. I do stupid things, I break the law all the time. It's only a matter of time and space before karma comes to collect up on me. Yet then again, there's the opposite. My life has been filled with such infectious hatred and evil, when is it my turn to be happy? to be normal?

FUCK THE NORMAL.

I'm gay. I'm a red-head. I smoke weed. I pastel really well. I love Stephen King. I love getting hurt and bruises. I'm skinny and white as hell. I'm very sarcastic. I feel too smart sometimes, even tho I'm so retarded. My parent's never raised me, my parent's are drug addicts. I feel so smart, but then again at times- so fucking naive. What's it like to have two loving parent's raise you? What's it like to have parent's with money to bail you outta your tough spots? What's it like to have your mother NOT be on probation?
I love being an actor. To escape into another character and to forget everything that is and was Raymond Lund. I think that's why I'm so good at it. I'm so readily willing to give up any truth of my existence to let another being be brought to life. Oh god, how I miss the stage!

I'm too lazy. I think I gave up years ago. My grand finale was high school- then bam! Ray discovers drugs. Eugene, OR may have been a bad call, and you can call a spade a spade, but you fucking people lied! D.A.R.E. lied! You always said drugs were bad, but you never said why! and you never said they make you feel so damn good! but that's just a bullshit statement, because in the end, it's all an illusion- drugs don't make you feel good, they fuck up your shit.

*shrug*
I want to smoke some pot so bad. I just hate everything about my situation. I hate never having any money. I hate never having any privacy. I just hate everything right now. My best friend. My mom. Myself.
I always feel like I'm waiting.
Even tho I try so hard.
I'm waiting and waiting.
for something good to happen.
do you think it ever will?
or will I be a fucking 90 year skin sack still lookin for that rainbow on a clear day?
Time will tell, and that's what pisses me off. Time. I want change, and I want it now. Fuck waiting and all it's principles. I'm a unique individual with skills to be shown, but goddamn how I fucked it all up. And that's just all I can think about these days.