Why I love being me.

Let's See...
What part of the last 24 hours sucked?
I. Pamela gets arrested and is facing felony charges.
II. Pamela takes 12 pills and OD's and has to go to the hospital.
III. My family all accusing me of "verbally assaulting" my mother, "begging for money" and that I need to "take responsibility of my life."
IV. The constant reminder that my boyfriend dumped me.
V. I have no food. No Money. No phone. & No weed to medicate me.
VI. My bike gets stolen.
*Did I mention Pamela was my mother? Nah? Well. She is.

Fuck. You. Everything.

But I think I got promoted at work. ? ? ?

God Damn. I feel so....
embarrassed.

& there is nothing I can really do about that.
&& it's only because I miss Travis so.
&&& I don't know what to do anymore.

I keep making a damn fool of meself. Obsessive, needy, borderline stalking... but its all in the name of love. So that makes it dig ya?
why haven't they invented teleportation?! fuck the scientists of the world!

I miss the days of being happy. I just want to be able to stop crying, and man, that is so weak.
Travis Blair Walker. Won't you care today?

Do I feel bad:
of course
Did I want it to happen like this:
of course not

Life is a great mystery. Whilst we all try to solve the puzzle, our ego's become too thick to think properly. All I need is Travis Walker. All I need is new friends. A new mind. A new body. A new life!

I'm so disgusted with myself and my life- it's becoming a chore just to feel accepted. I feel so alone and deserted. My fault. Everything is my fault.

Did ya hear that ma? Everything! is my fault!

What can I say that I haven't already bitched about?


Nothing has changed.
I wish travis would care about me. I wish the people I love would care about me.


I'm seeing these happy images of him- A life without me, casual, formal, and fun.
He has friends to entertain him, he never has to stray far to seek the comfort of old friendships.

I just want to know what I did wrong. Why? what the fuck, why?!?! I'm so mad at him. So angry! But I can't be angry because I love him and I want to believe this is making him happy. When Do I get to be happy?

I hate this world! I hate growing up with each passing year! Relationships have never been kind with me. I try and I try and I try- I put the S's in their right spaces and X's in the some other columns like I'm suppossed too. What do I get in return? Nada nada limonada.

What have I got to show for it? A broken heart and a scattergory of broken friendships.

I want to be a wizard. To have the magical powers to change my destiny. With influences of the arcane to guide me as I mature throughout this struggle of a life. God, how I envy the Gandolfs and the Merlins- how easy it is for them to seek the answers. I want my make-believes to become realities, but fallacy I must confess, is a daydream I just can't seem to end. I just want to fly away and forget everything forever. I wish I was brave. I wish wishes came true.

Everything will be alright

Fuck my life.

Need I say more?
Of course! Or else you wouldn't believe me. Well, I'm not gonna say more. The tribulations and the trails I'm-a finding myself conquering these days are like minuscule panoramic conquistadors. Pilgrim-ing their way into my lungs, BLACK LUNGS, and creating dichotomies of depression & nihilism.
Just keep inhaling and whisper to yourself, "Your going to be a better person when this all over and done with..."
I wish I had a god to pray to. A grandeur faggot in the starry heavens above with ginger locks and thin pale structures beaming down on me with guidance and praise. I'm gravid with infectious waste. I just want to love. Somebody save me. Somebody neautralize this conscience.

Asi Asi

Yikes. These days are being followed with intense repetition. In every aspect. Boredom is coming these days out of a mental no-stimulation-prospect, instead of the fancier "I have nothing to do". I get high and I have two choices:

A. Watch something on the Internet, I.E. a movie that is deemed "good" enough to be streamed online, Netflix which seems to be aiight but you gotta pay, or visit Hulu- but that only is applicable when the shows are actually new, since they can't stream more than 5 episodes of the shit I wanna watch.

B. Sit and stare at a wall.
I've done both such a number of times it's become a ridiculous science. Sure, I've watched a lot of movies I've enjoyed, but watching 3-4 movies a day just makes me feel so... sludgey, my brain is itching for more stimulus and excitement- nothing that Krull couldn't do, but still.

I miss math. You may scream to yourself, WTF?!?! but I actually do. It made my brain feel good, and I felt like I understand a lot about the world... of mathematics that is. I miss finding what the fuck X = to???? I miss trial and error, the accomplishment of solving something with the quadratic formula... Agh, I miss my mind!
I just don't have anything to do, that I wanna do. I want to paint. but I have no paints, nor the money required to purchase so. I wanna go camping, but alas, the same problem arises. I want to listen to records and hookah. I want to smoke a shit ton of weed with Travis. I want to clean a very disgusting house. I want to go to another country and learn another language. I want to work at Starbucks again (why? I dunno...) I want to see a movie in the theater. I want to go out to eat. I want to hang out with my mom. I want a cat. I really wanna trip lucy sometime. I want to read a damn good book- perhaps revisit some of my favorite Stephen King. I want to kiss someone, anyone really. I want a cell phone, one that actually just works. I want a lot of stuff, that I'm not going to get. But I'll be okay. I just don't want my mind to wonder, my toes to itch, and the sadness inside my heart to thrive. Everything started getting a whole lot more complicated the second I decided to open my eyes. But I'm glad I did.

Yuck. I don't know what to do today. The same shit I do everyday. Going to go sell some shit in hopes of a monetary gain in some factor. God, is this what my life has become? So ridiculous, I ponder about, this life I live. When will the checks cash themselves? When can I feel safe enough to love again? Everything must be a question.

I got a job. That's all I truly needed as of late. I still need a friend. Like, a good one, ya dig? I still need my mind to come back to me. I still need my Travis.

I fear the worst.
I can't stop thinking.
I'm just so alone.

What did I expect out of life anyways?
I want to touch a rainbow. I want to feel happiness.
Fallacy! Fantasy! Fangoria!

Will Travis ever care? Will anyone?